These past weeks truly have felt like I've just been speedrunning all the stages of grief over and over every single day. I wonder whether it's just a bunch of bad weeks or if I'm only now starting to truly realize certain things about myself and those who have surrounded me for years.

I want to do a legal name change. So far I haven't done progress on it because I still have to learn whether my chosen name will be accepted or not. Jay is not a Portuguese name. Rules on foreign names are worded so strangely, I don't know whether I'd be able to switch it or not. Regardless, it's a big change and with being closeted, I could only hide it for so long.

Those are words that have followed me throughout my life. Words that were shoved down my throat since I was very young. Words that became synonymous with "Bad Person".

It's so hard to have a clear perception of myself. To look at who I am, what I say or what I do, and be able to analyze that objectively without my own self-loathing biases getting in the way. It's okay if this or that friend does this thing, but if I do it, I’m a bad person, I'm a bad friend. I have no excuse.

I should know better.

I got my first paycheck today.

I felt nothing.

Content Warning - Excessive talking about suicide. I wrote this while spiralling to distract myself from doing anything else and making myself feel even worse. It's been years since I last cried myself to sleep. It was one of those nights and I proceeded to have nightmares as well. But I'm fine now, I just want to archive this.

I can fill my life with art, characters and creations all I want, I can colour an image of myself and trick my brain into thinking it's reality.

Content Warning - Heavy venting, talking about suicide and mental health.

"That's a very long time, Jay…" said my therapist, his voice filled with such sincere solemnity. It had never even occurred to me how long ago it had been since I turned 18, I've felt so emotionally stunted for so long, I've mistaken my indifference for normality. Or worse. That I wasn't depressed anymore.

But it's been 7 years.

Content Warning - Venting, talking about suicide and poor mental health.

Man, I really went ahead and made a single journal post and proceeded to never post again. It's now almost been a full month ever since I took my Twitter hiatus and yeah I guess I feel "okay" (Picture me doing quotes with my fingers when I say that), but this time feels different I guess...

Content Warning - Talk about war, suicide and poor mental health.

First post and what a dreadful one it is... Today I woke up to my cat being annoying, and being unable to fall back asleep once I got her to quiet down, I started to check Discord and Twitter on my phone, only to find out about the bombings in Ukraine and so so many people talking about this being WW3 while others beg for it not to be called that. I don't know what to think...