Rumours of war, doomscrolling and other musings

Content Warning - Talk about war, suicide and poor mental health.

First post and what a dreadful one it is... Today I woke up to my cat being annoying, and being unable to fall back asleep once I got her to quiet down, I started to check Discord and Twitter on my phone, only to find out about the bombings in Ukraine and so so many people talking about this being WW3 while others beg for it not to be called that. I don't know what to think...

Part of me always felt that I'd live to see a day like this, I suppose it's part of living with a family member who devours conspiracy theories and brings up the apocalypse and World War 3 whenever tragedies like this happen. When Covid began, the paranoia instilled on me was so unbearable, I was so scared, I just wanted to close my eyes and hope that it was a bad dream that would go away. But of course that, when I opened my eyes, things were still happening. The idealistic view I have of the world was never real, and the mere thought was something I clung on to so I wouldn't lose all of my faith in humanity's capability to do good.

This morning I got to experience this feeling all over again, the fear, the anxiety of what's to come, talks of the apocalypse and the end times. People are already dying and losing their homes, and for me to feel as scared as I do, all in the comfort of my home, looking through a small phone screen, almost feels undeserving.

"If you're not in East Europe, you don't have to worry." said a Tumblr post and I just look at myself. I guess they're right, Portugal is quite literally in the opposite end of Europe, cozy and tucked in with Spain, as west as you can be, but that never served to ease my anxiety. We never know how things might escalate, my immediate fear being "Oh no, this is going to spread throughout all the countries, and that includes us."

There are people I don't want to lose or see hurt. From friends all over Europe to online micro-celebrities and twitter mutuals with who I have a parasocial relationship with, I cannot help but worry for them, worry for their family members who I never met, worry for their loved ones and friends.

I started feeling suicidal again, thoughts that never once crossed my mind were now running rampant.

"What is my family going to do if it gets here?"

"What if I stop hearing from my European friends?"

"Would I fight for my country?"

I've always been a coward, but the answer to the last question scared me.

"Yes, because I'd die quicker."

How dramatic and selfish do you have to be to think something like that...

I hope this doesn't escalate any further than it already has, no one should have to go through this much needless pain and violence at the hands of heartless people with too much power in their hands... But I suppose only time will tell what will come of this.

I can't look at social media anymore.