3 December 2022
"Since I was 18 maybe 17, I think?"
Content Warning - Heavy venting, talking about suicide and mental health.
"That's a very long time, Jay…" said my therapist, his voice filled with such sincere solemnity. It had never even occurred to me how long ago it had been since I turned 18, I've felt so emotionally stunted for so long, I've mistaken my indifference for normality. Or worse. That I wasn't depressed anymore.
But it's been 7 years.
It's been 7 years of me feeling suicidal, jobless, inept, and like my life just isn't worth living, but I just kind of chug along with it. Like my last post, I'm just looking and trying to create little slivers of hope to try and give myself reasons to stay here, but it's hard.
Job hunting feels like hell, I have to suck it up but how do I know if it's my CV that sucks or if it's just not good timing for the places I'm applying to?
And when I struggle so much with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), subjecting myself to the inevitable rejection that comes with job hunting genuinely feels so physically and emotionally painful that killing myself can't help but feel like the favourable option that would make the pain stop.
And that makes me feel shitty. I'm not special or different from other people, rejection is a part of life and the hell that is job hunting. So boohoo at silly ol' me who'd rather die than subject themselves to more pain. But it doesn't stop, I thought I could force myself to just get used to it, and cure myself through exposure therapy. But it doesn't work. It hurts just as much as the first time, just as painful, just as exasperating.
But how do I explain this? How do I tell anyone that I don't think it's supposed to hurt this much? Maybe it is supposed to hurt, and other people are just stronger than I could ever be? I don't know what else I could do… I just want to get it over with and get over whatever shitty phase of my life this is supposed to be…
But even if someone does contact me
I failed college despite knowing the consequences.
It will keep happening
For as long as I'm a slave to my mental illness' whims, I feel like there's nothing I can do and I’m just destined to fail.
It's hard to convince myself otherwise. I can tell from people's looks that they just don't know know what to do with me, and I feel like a car crash that people are just looking at as they drive by. People tell me I need to have more faith in myself, but they don't know my mind the way I do
They don't know what it's like to have your body freeze up and refuse to move in a meaningful direction as time goes by.
They don't know what it's like to be inside my head, screaming at a body that doesn't respond to you.
It's like we're detached, and no one can see that, instead they just see someone lazy who lets time fly as the years go by. Someone who is just sad and maybe if they "had a schedule" or if they "went to bed on time" maybe could really flourish?
Schedules didn't work when I was in college or in classes or anything else. It's hard to believe that they'd work now, but I have no clue what alternative solutions could be…
It's hard not to feel like a lost cause while simultaneously feeling like a self-pitying asshole who tells themselves "Ohh you think you're hopeless enough to be a lost cause? Why don't you stop making excuses for your shitty behaviour and laziness? Maybe you do have issues, but so does everyone else. You're not special, and everyone else is doing things while you sit around being useless. So what's your excuse?"
mAN THIS IS A REALLY BAD PITCH TO TRY AND KEEP MYSELF ALIVE, UH? I FEEL WORSE THAN I DID WHEN I STARTED WRITING THIS
Maybe I should go eat something, I didn't have a proper dinner yesterday and it's almost lunchtime and I'm just curled in bed feeling sorry for myself. I should do something about that and then bury myself in meaningless tasks to distract myself from the hell that is my brain.
Maybe one day these tasks will pay off, who knows?